Learning to Say No: Reclaiming Myself in a World Full of Yes

Have you ever just thought about why it’s so hard as an adult to say or tell someone no? I don’t know why that is such a naughty little word for some of us. I mean think about it, growing up how many times did you hear that dirty word?

Me: Hey mom, can I sleep over at Ashley’s house?

Mom: No.

Me: Can we go to the mall?

Mom: For what...No.

Me: Can I get some McDonalds?

Mom: Hell no! … We got food in the house.

The word no is no stranger to me! In truth I’ve probably heard “No” more than I’ve heard yes. Now I just sit and wonder, why is it so hard for me to tell others no? Especially close friends and family or just anyone to whom I feel I have a close relationship with. I want to scream 'HELL NO,' but somehow my mouth keeps betraying me with a 'yes. Or Something that sounds like, Okay, sure no problem. See that is the thing, “yes” is the problem. Why is it that every time I tell someone yes, I feel like I am telling myself no. With every yes, I give, I lose a little piece of myself. I lose the ability to do the things I want to do. I lose the ability to bring myself joy.

Why is it that I can’t say no to my family or friends? I mean how could I... Right? How dare I say no to them in their time of need? If not me then who else would care enough to even help? They did so much for me as a kid! I should be grateful for that and now I owe them my time and effort because of it. I know I am the only one they can rely on.

These are the things I ask and tell myself on a daily basis to justify why the answer should always be enthusiastically, yes.

But what about me? Who would help me in my time of need? Who is the person that I know I can rely on? Is it those same people that I can’t seem to say no to? Well, I think we all know the answer to that question. I mean do I really need to say it. Write it out so that everyone can read it and see how I truly feel. But what if they get offended? What if me saying how I really feel hurts them? What if they stop asking me for help? What if all a sudden they no longer “need” me? Could I handle that?

See the reality of all of this is, if there was no one else for me to say yes to, then I would no longer be able to tell myself no. Can I really handle that kind of responsibility? While I am busy helping others, I have an excuse as to why I am not helping or doing for myself. I don’t have to live with the guilt of letting myself down or not accomplishing the goals I had set for myself. You know its because I would just be so busy doing the “noble” thing …right? I am too busy putting my selfishness aside and helping those in need. Yet, I wonder again, why is it with every yes I give, and every no I tell myself, I grow more unhappy? Each and every time I say yes, of course I can help you, what you need me to do... I got you don’t worry, I grow more resentful, wounded, mistreated, victimized, and depressed. Who is responsible for making me feel this way? Could my acts of nobility and selfishness really hurt me? How is it possible that I could be bringing others so much joy and happiness and simultaneously bring so much pain into my life?

It wasn’t until recently that I realized I was in an unhealthy and abusive relationship with myself. The person causing and inflicting pain, unknowingly, was me!  You see, saying no is necessary. With every yes you give to someone else you give a little piece of yourself away. You need to stop and think to yourself, if I keep giving and giving, what will I have left for myself. Let’s dig into why we even think saying no is a bad thing in the first place. If you grew up anything like me, saying no has always been associated with negativity and there was ABSOLUTELY no explanation as to why I was being told no as a child. We were taught, “No means No” and if we ever asked why, it was because “Mommy or Daddy said so”. According to google, “Social and cultural experiences, such as witnessing or being exposed to negative behaviors or attitudes, also contribute to an association between "no" and negativity.”

Now here was the turning point for me. After my grandfather passed away, I realized how far away from myself I had drifted. Prior to and even after for a period of time, I was consistently feeding and planting my energy into everyone and everything around me. I never stopped for one second to recharge, reassess, or even check in with myself. In my mind there was no time, because the man I cared for, loved, adored and honored was dying and he needed me. How could I ever not give my all to help a man like him. He was a man that too was just like me. A man who could and would never say no to someone one in need. He was a man you could rely on; someone you could call at midnight to help you with a flat tire. When he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, the people pleaser inside me went into overdrive.

The crazy thing is, I DO NOT regret one thing during this time because I did what my soul desired. My heart desperately wanted to help my grandfather as much as possible. I wanted to ensure he had the most comfortable life imaginable. The fact is even though I could never say no to anyone, this one yes drained me. One of the biggest burdens that I was the most willing to bear. If I had the opportunity, I would do it all again, but this time maybe a little different. I would take a little more time for myself. I would replenish my mind and rest a little more. The reason being, once my grandfather passed, I then found myself lost. I no longer knew what direction I was taking in my life. There was a time before in my life I knew the exact direction and path to take. When all the haze and fog cleared from my eyes all that was left was a reflection of myself in the mirror that I could recognize but a person who I did not know.

That person was in fact me, but I was no longer the same Tramesse. This Tramesse I was looking at had been broken down, beaten and neglected. I was left to figure out and wonder who this girl was and where I had gone? The person to whom you could once go to for answers and help was no longer there. The girl that now stands before you merely existed. But my God was she good at hiding her true feelings. You see, I had gotten really good at that over the years. I had a lifetime of practice of hiding my feelings (we will leave that story for another blog). I had realized by the end, I had set no boundaries and maintained very little power over my life. I did what others asked of me and even did things no one even asked me to do but I volunteered. In turn I forgot the things I had asked of myself, my desires, hopes, dreams and aspirations were all somehow gone. Vanished and no longer in clear view.  

As of today, and every day going forward I choose me. I have decided to say no to others and yes to myself. I choose to live my life for me! I free myself from the holds and burdens of others. I will no longer carry the weight of everyone else’s burdens on my shoulders. I will no longer put other’s needs before my own. I must take responsibility and regain control over my life, and I ask you to do the same. If it does not bring us joy, it does not have room in our life. By telling others no, I have been able to create safe and healthy boundaries for myself. I can be more honest with myself and my feelings. I can thrive in life and not just exist. My priorities consist of me raising my daughter and now raising myself beyond the person I was before. I ask to God; may he release the constraints of my guilt from my heart so that I may truly enjoy my newfound freedom. If you are reading this and can relate in any way, I ask you to just continue reading and following along with this blog. This one little journal entry could help save you from yourself. I mean this is my (our) freedom journey after all.

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